I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Randomize
