i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
