Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
