I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
soo... how was my night?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
