oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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