My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
