Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize