I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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