I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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