My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
