Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
