I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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