Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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