uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
