I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
