I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
