If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
