3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
