Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
