At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize