You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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