theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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