I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
