Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
