Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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