Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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