just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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