You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
false alarm. still invincible.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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