pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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