I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
