My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
