3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
