i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
