i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
