Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Randomize
