Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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