First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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