for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
