Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
