An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
