Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize