I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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