So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
