the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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