the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
