And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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