it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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