On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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