just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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