I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
