you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
