I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i've created a new STD.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
