It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
