You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
