My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
