Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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