I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
