You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize