I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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