Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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