I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
