somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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