I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
