WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
