I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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