i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
