Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
