my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
