I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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